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Wednesday, 05 May 2010

where would I be if not for Your grace?

What blows my mind is that God knew this was going to happen. Six years ago, when I started all of that BS - He knew that today I would down and come clean. That alone.. Mind. Blown. Just saying.

I had never told anyone before about my problems. Or how ashamed I was. I had read in books, online, in magazines.. about girls who had problems with this and came clean. though I never felt like I could or had the courage.

I went down there and thought it couldn't hurt. I wanted to change. I wanted to be holy. I wanted to be used (who doesn't?).

Praying and Denise's mom started to pray over me Lord, fix her broken heart. mend it and transform it to you.

Brandon Holt called out for people who were struggling with pornography, perversion, lust, self-pleasure.. or anything of the sort. And I thought, nah that's not me.. Then I looked at Blake. He was standing there with tears streaming down his face with his hands lifted up, begging for freedom. I thought, I can do this.

I went up there. I was the only girl. The second I got up there, I broke down and started weeping. I faintly remember Brandon Holt saying something like, "this is an example of the holy spirit and true repentance." I'm not too too sure to be honest. Deanna started to pray for me, and it was so comforting. She never judged the 17 year old girl who admitted to pornography problem. It was the love from a church family that I longed for. I shook and I prayed and finally was free from a six year struggle.

I took a seat and watched as the kids who wanted freedom from homosexuality stepped up. It was some of the same kids who had porn problems. I sat there and cried for the freedom of my friends.

Deanna and Taylor welcomed me with open arms. My dirty little secret was brought to light. Oh I was so, so ashamed. But I'm free! FREE. I don't have chains anymore.

I'm really thankful for friends who love me, a (guest) pastor who lets the Holy Spirit flow and ULTIMATELY a God who adores me, even when I totally abused his grace and love. Repentance is a change of mind. Well, if this doesn't count as transformation. . . I'm not sure what does.

Thursday, 31 December 2009

2009 was like a roller coaster. I never got in the flow..

January. Ringing in the new year with bad Kanye West songs and Rockstars in coozies. The voicemail from Holly that made me cry. The Irish Pub. The waiter who changed her life. Fuzzy Navel.. Seeing Jeremiah - “why is 3:33 and no one is naked?” Decode and Just Dance. Learning about water with Mr. Harty. That long talk with Deanna. Discovering Konstantine, the song that changed my life. Writing the song about troubled blue bedroom eyes. 25 things and that note where I told Dustin I might just like him (nice going Abigail..) Amanda coming over tipsy & mexican coke. Bride Wars.

February. Tennis started. Jeremy moving in with me. Winterjam - “Are y’all dating?” Romans 3. Valentine’s with Aub - “why didn’t you call me?” The back row. Almost dying in the Comite with J1. College planning. Daddy falling down the stairs :( Blowing up at Jeremy. Going to visit Amanda and Mom in Savannah!

March. Snow day. Deciding to go to Prom with J1. Realizing I could never make a difference with a best friend like J3. Falling in love with that jerk again. Budget cuts. Getting my ears pierced. Proverbs 19:21. Micah 6:8.

April. The birthday celebration that would never freakin’ end. Cheesecake Factory, Brunet’s, two movies w/ J1, going to Savannah and Madison. Spoiled much.. Sprite icees with J1. & “i will kiss anyone who can find me a sprite icee.” “a kiss, eh?” Oh, cannot forget, “well I guess he’s head nigger now.” My first bachelorette party! Solo and Ensemble.. :) State Tennis Tournament. Prom, which almost deserves it’s own paragraph (my scarf, saying no, little red corvette, chili’s, getting lost, holding hands, not dancing, “who’s your date?!”, waiting on j3 and stefon, waffle house, and more inappropriate things).

May. Transitional time. Loneliness. Day N Nite. Trying to put it all together but failing epicly. Cramming for all of the standardized testing, alone. Puzzled about the idea of faith. “In the Mystery.” Understanding that dreams change, and can be passed on. Cleaning out my mom’s room. Seeing my Jasper County “friends” for the last time.

June. Handle With Care. Hanging out with Edwin. Picking out the colors of his living room. The knife game. Driving around Zachary wanting to cry; forehead kisses. Vulnerability. Kissed the Girls. Rhema - The Russian Church. Getting burned by Edwin. The awful trip to Baton Rouge and back in the mustang. Six flags with Manda and J1.. The Burn. Everything changing. Atlanta Fest. Talking to Mrs. Kim. Getting my permit :) SHOWCHOIR CAMPS OF AMERICA (the boost to let me know that I could achieve anything that I wanted to… and also where I learned that beauty can get you to a lot of nice places… “and she’s crazy!”).

July. Six Flags with Dustin. Selling the Civic. Hating Clemson. FIRST REAL VACATION. Chilon, Rachel and Dave :) Painting Aubrey’s painting. Loving the beach so so so much (and that spiffy tan of mine). WOW weekend - “chain hang low,” krispy kremes, “SANDRA HAS ANTS IN HER PANTS,” “abby… how could you?” hanging out with PJ, the love sack, disc golf/kickball, Smith Wigglesworth. Brave New World (nom nom)

August. Schedule Accusations (which were totally accurate, might I add). Trying out for the lead in the musical w/ Taylor the Latte Boy. Hanging out with Shannon, Chelsey and Samantha.. Finding out about Covenant! Applying to Covenant. Writing the testimony. Really trying to figure out how Eastside works..

September. The Time Traveler’s Wife. Hanging out with Mandaaaa. Playing tennis with Mrs. Lori. Saviour King! Senioritis creeping in.. Tiffany moving in. Skillet concert w/ the youth group and my eastside girls. Powder Puff game. Maggie! First time fasting. The epic trip to find Chinese with Tiffany.. and ending up at Taco Bell. New Youth Room. Was the flood in September or October? Whatever.. Monopoly Party.

October. Dustin’s awesome Transformers-themed surprise party. LSU winning the UGA game. I’m on a boat. Liking Dustin (??!?!). Fall break - visiting (and falling in love with) Covenant. Rain Down by the Planetshakers. Stefon! Eddie James. Really wanting Tiffany to leave.. Liking Michael… (@#$%$!?!?!) - “just like you want to know that I like you” HOW AWKWARD. Insomnia. Going to North Carolina (the best place on earth).

November. Staying home, then getting Opal. :) Rolling PJ. Hurr cut. Ben’s Magic. That awkward Tiffany-Shawn situation.. How To Succeed opened and the taco bell incident. “I miss you so much” and Funny’s great talks! Being the only Senior girl going to honor choir. Hanging out w/ Amanda. NEW MOON. The epic coffee maker. The Andersons coming for Thanksgiving. Writing my scholarships for Covenant w/ Rachel, who is my favorite.. ever. Rockette Christmas Spectacular, the Melting Pot and that really awkward worship service. Spring Awakening love.

December. Mom getting the Spaceship. Getting accepted into Covenant. The XXX church and Mr. Clark’s grandson speaking. Exxon Mobil project of death. Stoney came to town. Google Wave? What is that? Nancy Meyers marathon. My mom’s precious Messiah concert. DAVIS BROOKS. Singing for the old people at Indian Creek. Exempting Physics. :) Mamie’s. Wal-Mart with Maggie and Owl City. Meg Ryan movies = love. Ephesians 4. Christmas in Baton Rouge. Hanging out with my favoritest people. The awesome talk with Chris Parish. Sixth Sense. Damien Rice. 28 on the ACT. So many amazing gifts. SKYPE. My boss baking skills. Communion with the youth kids.

I’m definitely going to say that the year got better with time. As fun as the first half was… it was awkward and somewhat fake. And there was all that boy drama. Which I hope to never deal with ever again. November and December were my favorites, I think. April was really awesome too. I don’t know.

All I do know is that I’m ready to make some changes in 2010. I’m ready for that fresh start college brings. I’m ready to strengthen relationships with good Christian people that I love. I’m ready to say goodbye to the things in my life that hold me back. I’m ready to fall more and more in love with Christ every day. I’m ready to be a better person.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Christmas at my house this year is so different. There's no tree and sparse decorations. I got a car, Vera Bradley and more than likely, diamond earrings from my grandpa. Amanda and I exchanging gifts in epic proportions, of which I am so excited for! Christmas break starts tomorrow at 11:45, after my first/last final in PreCalculus. So thankful that class is over.. whew. Going to Mamie's with Pops then going at 9:30 to visit Mrs. Cunningham, Singleton and hopefully Mrs. Wilson! I shall miss her greatly.. :/

I remember the days where e.e.cummings poetry made my heart swell. This was my favorite..

i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

random note, but if i get the donaldson scholarship at Covenant, i will have over 20,000 dollars towards my $34,000 dent before financial aid even takes a look at my profile :)

Wednesday, 02 December 2009

Oh God, show me the right church. You've shown me the school, and obviously that money won't be a problem. I have a great car and nearly everything I need (and it's barely December). Show me the church! Show me the ministries I can be involved in. Show me the faces I'll meet. Show me.

Patience...

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Currently
Eve 6
By Eve 6
see related
marxism?! oh yes please.

Shakespeare wrote the following in his famous tragic play, Romeo and Juliet, “These violent delights have violent ends; and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume.” In his non-fictional work entitled Consumed: How Markets Corrupt Children, Infantilize Adults and Swallow Citizens Whole, Benjamin Barber introduces the concepts of a radical consumerist society, where overconsumption of unnecessary goods and a loss of personal identity are basic principles. Modern capitalism has in recent years fallen to a state of a radical consumerist society in which the market economy is overproducing and over marketing goods and services that society do not need nor want. Therefore, this sort of culture discourages the freedom on which our country was founded on. The delight Americans find in participating in popular and “main stream” will eventually be the demise of them. Although Barber is correct in his assessment of our society’s current socioeconomic standards, the fall of capitalism as we know it can be thwarted and ultimately reversed if the current generation can uplifts leaders who tackle pressing issues such as innovation, morality, extensive escapism and personal identity in whole economies.